Bee Hornet: Honest Politicians

By Otieno Otieno

"Trust me! The cheque is in the mail. I promise, I'll never lie to you .... again.” Honest Politician!

As sure as the grass grows and the bear craps in the woods - it's once again time to cast your vote into the political wishing well. Yes, my brothers and sisters, the politicians are beating the drums on the old campaign trail in the hopes of sweet talking you out of your precious vote, with shiny promises and trinket cheques.

They make the inevitable promises we all know they'll never keep. I have more faith in the words of a horny teenager in the back seat of a matatu, when he tells a girl: "Of course I love you and I'll respect you tomorrow and I'd never tell my buddies how much of a stud I am!"

And what do we get for our votes? Politicians do studies, have endless meetings and spend millions of your tax money on problems that could easily be fixed with some two gauge wire and a little bit of old fashioned common sense. But I guess I can see why they're 'in a meeting,' and not out there working on viable solutions - in only a short period of time, they'd be out of job! I think I may have a viable solution: 'Put every politician on commission!'

As Kenyans, we sometimes sit back and shake our heads at those silly folks, as we attempt to find an honest politician. We laugh foolishly as they award ultimate power to a single individual, in a society where 'ultimate power, ultimately corrupts!' "HA, HA, HA .... Hey, wait a minute! That sounds a lot like some of the MPs I've heard about!"

Are Kenyans sliding down the same slimy political totem pole, speaking in forked tongues and scalping a little off the top? What's next, kissing papooses for the press?

Do we have crooks in the August House? Are they going on more (all expenses paid) fact finding trips than local bees go in flowers? Are they promoting business or monkey business? Is his business just that, his business and none of our business? What kind of car did the MP drive before he was elected and what does he drive now? If it was a rusted Isuzu Trooper and now it's a fancy new hot rod .... you may have voted for "Runs To The Bank!"

It's no wonder that not all Kenyans vote. I think it has a lot to do with being discouraged. It's like throwing coins into a wishing well and the only thing that happens is that your money gets wet and disappears into a black abyss. Politicians, going back many, many moons, have been promising Kenyans the World, yet to this very day many are still living in abject poverty in small shackles. The only way I see our votes having any effect on government, is: that every single Kenyan votes the same way! Only then, will the OLD BOYS CLUB take Kenyan issues seriously.

Or .... maybe you should elect me! Hey, why not me? I could run for office under the slogan: "HONEST POLITICIAN!" Or should I say dishonest, because, the only promises I'd make would be to; Lie and cheat. Tax and steal. Kiss and tell! At least that way you'll know what to expect. You'd be better able to budget for the inevitable - when shit meets the fan.

I'd play no favorites, I'd screw everyone over equally, without prejudices, Luo, Kikuyu, Luhya, Kalenjin or Kamba, I'd take your candy and never call you back. I'd sell my soul to the highest bidder, grow fat off the backs of the poor, pad my off-shore bank accounts, then I'd pretend to shed a tear and feel guilty in front of the TV cameras.

After waiting a month or so, voters would forget about me, then I'd hop into my blue Mercedes, drive to my Muthaiga home, kiss my mistress and call my wife to tell her that I'm leaving her for some place warm and sunny.!

I'm only joking of course, I'd never run for office for the simple reason, if you give any one person too much power, it's not long before they start thinking - "I'm an MP in Kenya!" Another reason is, I'm a big believer in Karma - "What goes around, comes around." And in a just World, any politician who screwed us over, would go home, only to find a naked man in his wife's closet.

Otieno Otieno